Our family friend Mittal Sahib was quite perturbed. I said, ‘You look very cast down. What is it that is weighing you down?’ He said, ‘Our little 4 year daughter let everything out to our neighbors. She blurted out whatever we discussed in the family.’ I said, ‘ So why are you worried She would certainly go places. One day she will grow into a very efficient foreign diplomat.’ My wife nudged me as to keep a track of what I was talking.

No child ever says that says one day I will become a great mole. I fact there is no formal training to be become an expert informer. Some people from the very early age have low resistance to keep anything to them. They become seriously ill if they are forced to be secretive. Another category of people mostly found in the government offices are those who will guard any information until proper price is paid for letting go of it.. Anyone from these categories has the potential to be become a international informer but I mean you should have a natural talent to sell the classified information.

Madhuri Gupta, a junior diplomat who was arrested for allegedly passing on the secret information to a Pakistani intelligence agency maintained that she was innocent. May be she meant that she was innocently in love with the Pakistani spy agency ISI officer Rana. You never know Madhuri gets some medal for patriotism if she is able to prove that all the information she supplied to Pakistan was bogus and misleading.

Someone once asked Santa Singh, ‘Are you a cop?’ ‘No’, he said. ‘I am a secret agent’ ‘Then why are you in the police uniform? You are not supposed to be seen around in uniform to hide your identity, I guess’, the fellow asked him again. ‘I am on leave today’, he replied.

The Opposition was found attacking the Government over a report in a news magazine that the phones of the several politicians were tapped. I wonder why there is so much of hue and cry over such a petty issue? As a matter of fact, the issue should have been why several politicians were left out without having their phones tapped. The conversation of all leading politicians should be recorded and made public on demand through RTI for a fee.

I am sure 90% of the information would be worthless. Even if advertised on the Radio and TV it won’t attract any buyer. Screaming titles saying ‘Most recently tapped Juicy conversation between Agricultural minister and the leader of orange-growers association’ is available on DVDs.’ I bet nobody would buy that CD. Yes, if the conversation is between Sunanda Pushkar and Shashi Tharoor and it be tapped and sold there are chances it may bring handsome revenues. The phone talk between Capt. Amarinder Singh and his Pakistani friend Arusha Alam has a good sale potential too. Old hits of tete-e tete between Amar Singh and Bollywood heroines can also hot up the market. the revenue could always be shared between the phone companies and the politician involved.

Then there would be a neck-breaking competition between the politicians to make their secret phone conversation crispier to rank high in popularity charts. A journo asked a Congress spokesperson, ‘What do you think about the recent phone tapping?’ He said, ‘It surely is going to improve with the 3-G and 4-G phone technology'.

* Indian Paisa Laundering (IPL) Series –Jaspal Bhatti’s Spoof on IPL*

*“Investigate thoroughly and give the IPL trophy to the team whose franchise has transected the maximum black money to buy their team and have done maximum financial irregularities” was demanded by Jaspal Bhatti, the ace social satirist of the country. Jaspal Bhatti and the members of his Nonsense club were making fun of the IPL scam, in sector 17 Chandigarh. *

*The Cheerleaders were in action when a group was singing a funny but hard hitting parody on the situation:*

*Teri Unchi shaan thi Modi; Panga le ke yun hi kho di*

*Toon tha sab kuch janene wala; Black white ko manne wala*

*Toone kaisi game ghuma di; Kayion ki tune wicket gira di*

*Twitter hai kaisa ajooba; Toon bhi dooba Tharoor bhi dooba*

*Doobon ko ab kaun bachaye; Meri bhi ek team bana de*

*Black money mera white kara de; Black money mera white kara de.*

*Jaspal Bhatti in his speech said that IPL appears to be excellent opportunity for laundering dirty money if used properly. We should expand this ‘Indian Paisa Laundering’ series by auctioning more and more teams. There’s no harm allotting to two three teams to a state. Every team should have at least a big politician, underworld don, and a film star to run the affairs of the team smoothly.*

*Some of the perspective buyers of new teams were seen with the placards of their teams in their hands. The placards read: Kolkata Night Bribers; Royal Money Changers Bangalore; Delhi Fare Dealers; Chennai Super Links.*

*Jaspal Bhatti demanded to legalize Match fixing and Satta. He asked people to have Satta on whether Modi will stay or go? Whether ties between NCP and Congress will break or not?*

*The parody was penned down by Punjabi folk singer Gurtej Tej. Other city artists who participated in the street show include Brijesh Ahuja, Vinod Sharma, and Lally Gill.*

*Vinod Sharma(PR Executive) Nonsense Club: 98150-75790*

30 years ago, a beggar used to ask for 5 rupees from the passersby to purchase a transistor to listen to the cricket commentary. Ten years later he raised his minimum alms to 50 rupees as wanted to buy a television to watch cricket matches. Recently he was seen saying, ‘Koi baba ko 1000 rupya de de. Bhagwan ke naam pe 2000 de de.” I said, “What are you going to do with so much of money?” He said, “I want to buy an IPL team.

From a smuggler to a beggar and from a politician to a film star anyone can buy stakes in an IPL team. Anybody could have ambitions as high as the Mallayas or the Ambanis. If you don’t have white money, black money could be routed through some innovative channels. Some economists say that the IPL is emerging out the best way to launder your dirty money. I think that in fact the Income Tax people in coordination with IPL should come up with some scheme like-Invest Your Black money in IPL giving 30% to Income tax and enjoy tension free business.

If Lalit Modi, Shashi Tharoor or someone else in power wants to favour their kin or friends what’s the bad in it? One thing is very clear that they are not promoting a game; they are participating in a business. A judge found a cricket promoter guilty of involved in the sleazy money. The judge said,’ Do you have something to say in your defense’. He said, ‘Mi lord, whatever I have done, I have done in the love of sports’ The Judge said, ‘Then attach a hockey team with him as a punishment.’

When you see rag pickers you pity them. Little children deprived from their education rights, scavenging garbage dumps in your locality for plastics,paper and metals. Although they don’t steal anything and makes both ends meet by selling the waste to scrap dealers but we do look down upon them.There’s another category who collect ship loads of foreign scrap, unload them on ports dismantle the things, sell them making millions. You take pride in flaunting such relationships, ‘Our daughter is engaged to a boy whose family is one of the big time ship breakers of Gujarat.’

Once on my flight to Mumbai I met a businessman who happened to be in the business of ship breaking. We hit it off immediately and invited me over to his house in Bandra. He explained his business that he bought many discarded, disputed, or abandoned ships in auction from the shipping companies without knowing what’s loaded in them and in what condition. Then he broke the ships on the Gujarat shores and sometimes made big profits. Meanwhile his wife offered me some foreign tinned snacks. As I refused she said, ‘Don’t worry they are made from the broken ship.”

As we hear every other day a lot of toxic, radioactive material also comes along with the waste making India a dumping ground. I asked a scrap dealer once, ‘What equipment do you have to screen your waste material?’ He said,‘My eyes themselves are a set of screening machine.’ Once, a middle aged woman pointed out to her husband, ‘Look that man is goggling at me badly.’ The husband said, ‘He must be a scrap dealer.’

Have you ever seen students taking their bachelor’s degree in under wear and vests?This could be well possible if the Union Minister for Environment, Jairam Ramesh has his way.

The minister was at the convocation ceremony of the Indian Institute of Forest Management. He was sweating profusely in a maroon and gold robe he was made to drape on. In a fit of unbearable heat he threw off his robe saying, ‘Why can’t we have a convocation ceremony in simple clothes?’The only thing is, what would happen to the photographs people hang in their drawings rooms in robes and hats and degrees in their hands with pride. If you have a photograph of holding a degree certificate in flowery shirt and half pants, the onlooker might ask, ‘Are you holding a packet of chana-chor-garam?’

Jairam Ramesh described the robes as ‘medieval and barbaric’. He probably meant the degree acquiring costumes should match with the subject the student was graduating. The mechanical engineer should have degree in a boiler suit. A doctor should be in operation theatre sterilized clothes. An economist could be in a beggar’s dress to show he has become expert in austerity measures.

A graduating student on his convocation went onto the stage to receive his degree with an apron over his robe. The principle got furious, ‘Why in the heck are you wearing this apron on your convocation?’ The student said, ‘Sir! This is what I am going to do after getting this degree of yours. Asking people in a MacDonald’s shop ‘Do you want fries with that?’

There was a classic hilarious song from the film Gumnaam sung by Mohammad Rafi and picturised on Mehmood ‘Hum kale hain to kya hua dilwale hain’. Some people have a complex for having a dark complexion but there are others who don’t worry about the colour of their skin because they fully believe in the talent they have. Many don’t understand why Michael Jackson in spite of being such a super talented artist hated his skin and underwent so many surgeries to look fair. Recently the detectives probing into his death have said to have found several skin whitening creams from Jackson’s home.

What to talk of Jackson every woman in India uses skin whitening creams and there are hundreds of products being advertised on TV, radio and news papers for making your complexion fairer. I still have to come across an ad saying,‘Dark and Lovely cream- makes your skin shine like brinjals.’ As regards Jackson I could not make out what he wanted to look like in his life-a male or a female.

Had Michael Jackson tried break dancing on the famous Punjabi song, ‘Kala sha kala mera kala hai sardar goryan nu dafa karo’, he would have saved himself of many face surgeries and depressions. Once during an outdoor shooting of a film I got sun burnt and my face became quite dark. During one of those evenings I wore a yellow turban and asked my wife, ‘How do I look?’She said, “Aise lagta hai jaise koyle ki factory ko aag lag gayi ho.” (You look as if a coal factory is on fire.)

I remember an old joke-A teacher asked a student, ‘If Lahore is 35 kms from Amritsar and potatoes are selling at 10 rupees a kg, tell me what’s my age?’the student said, ‘I must be 50, sir.’ Great, how did you figure that out?’said the teacher. ‘Its simple math’, said the student. ‘We have a half mad person in our village, and his age is 25.’

I don’t know what kind of answers were written by the students when they have a question in CBSE class XII board exams saying, ‘Find intervals where the following functions were increasing or decreasing’ and they didn’t mention the intervals and functions. They should have better set the question like-Write any answer and we will frame the question accordingly. A student was heard saying, ‘I did attempt question number26 very well.’ His father said, ‘How could you do so well when everybody is saying that question 26 was incomplete. He said, ‘The board has decided to give everyone 6 out of 6 marks.’

In our school exams we were made to sit like one student of class 5th, then one student of class 6th alternatively to minimize cheating. Once a student of class 5th,, by mistake was given the question paper of class 6th. He without realizing attempted the paper. When the result came he was declared passed to class 8th.

An ardent fan of Kareena Kapoor said, “Nothing to beat Kareena’s smile. When she laugh’s it seems a rose has blossomed from a bud.” Other countered, “Yes, she has got her jaw line straightened but she needs more alignment to be done. But I am in love with Shilpa Shetty’s nose.” Now Kareena Kapoor’s fan felt offended and retorted, “Bhai Sahib, Shilpa has not only got her nose done but also undergone liposuction.

Another fan of Bipasha Basu who always drooled over her figure had his saliva dried when it was let out that she had had silicon implants and liposuction done on her belly and thighs. “How do you know for so sure that all her vital parts have plastic percentage in them?” he asked sadly. The other said, “My dear I don’t mean to offend your sentiments but the doctor who did plastic surgeries on Bipasha himself revealed the secret in anger.” “What was anger for?” the fan sought the clarification. “Bipasha didn’t pay the bill for surgery I heard”, said the other.

A famous plastic surgeon says 80% of the Bollywood actresses get their looks because of cosmestic surgeries. “Main Ayeen hoon UP bihaar lootney, Plastic ki body se karaar lootney” wording seems more realistic. A guy went to RTI’s office and filed an application-Kindly let me know before I fall in love with Katreena Kaif’s smile if has undergone any denting or a painting job on her face.

Many people have been talking about women empowerment for long. That’s the reason the Women Reservation Bill has come into being to ensure 33% strength of women MPs in the Parliament. The time has come to give moral support to the men folk too. The BJP has many a times put Dr. Manmohan Singh down as a weak Prime minister. According to them probably the PM also needs to be empowered.

Women always have had great power but our society wasn’t ready to accept that in black and white. This time after 14 years the Congress, BJP and the Left came together with full gusto to push the bill through. With equal enthusiasm they should bring another bill for married and other downtrodden men. They should have at least 33% say in their household decisions. Those male officers and ministers working under Mayawati must be demanding some right of expression from the bottom of their hearts.

With Sonia Gandhi heading the ruling party coalition, Smt. Pratibha Patil as the President of India, Smt. Meira Kumar as the speaker of the Lok Sabha, above all Savita Bhatti as my dominating wife and now the 33% w omen's reservation bill, I feel quite powerless and depressed. I strongly feel the need of some legislation to boost myself up.

A wife asked her harassed husband, “Why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring?” The husband said, “It cuts my circulation.” The wife said, “It’s supposed to!”

savita