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Ulta Pulta
25 Apr '14

Right Note

Right note

               THE Congress has acquired the exclusive rights of Oscar-winning song ‘Jai Ho’ for its election campaign. Neither Gulzar, who has penned the song, nor Rahman, its music composer, may have thought that their song for Slumdog Millionaire could be used for wooing the voters.
The BJP, Left parties, BSP, SP, TDP, RJD and other parties too, must be looking for appropriate songs for their campaigning. Some songs come to mind, which may be suitable for various parties. This hit number may not be a bad choice for the BJP, ‘Tauba tera jalwa, tauba tera pyar, tera emotional attyachar.’ I have heard rumours that J.P. Bardhan and Prakash Karat are also thinking of adopting another song, ‘Chandini Chowk to China’ showing the Left’s inclination for better ties with our neighbour.
                The BSP is frantically trying to get the rights of a song that goes very well with its high command, ‘Desi girl`85.Desi girl’. The party thinks it could then give stiff competition to videshi-turned desi bahu Congress leader Sonia Gandhi.
                Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh, too, stand a chance if they could lay hands on the rights of the song, ‘Arre diwano, mujhe pehchano, mein hoon kaun .. Mein hoon don, mein hoon, mein hoon don.’ I asked an independent candidate what were his prospects. He said, “No party can come to power without us Independents,” while singing‘Maujan hi maujan`85 sham savere hun maujan hi maujan … .”

19 Apr '14

Writ in water

Writ in water               I REMEMBER an old song “Chingari koi bhadke to sawan use bhujhaye, sawan jo aag lagaye to use kaun bhujhaye”. If someone’s house catches fire, he rings up the fire brigade office. But what if on the way the fire engine itself catches fire. The victims will not only crib about their fate but possibly also sympathise with that of the fire department.
               Imagine if one goes to a police station to lodge a burglary complaint, but return empty-handed on finding that the inspector is depressed because his own house was burgled last night.
The offices of Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) were leaking and damaging the furniture and also putting important documents at risk. After this nobody can blame the BMC authorities for being insensitive to the Mumbai citizens’ plight, who face clogged roads and disruptions in road and train traffic every year. Because the BMC itself is now having first-hand experience of these problems.
               Instead of working hard throughout the year on measures to tackle the rainy season, the BMC should try operating its office underwater so as to win public sympathy. The leaking roof of the BMC offices should be shown on various television channels with the BMC Commissioner sitting in knee-deep water. The Commissioner’s message could keep on flashing on TV channels every now and then “Garmi ya barsaat, BMC aapke saath.”


19 Apr '14

Loo humour

Loo humour             TOILET humour doesn’t mean cracking jokes in the toilet or about the toilet seat. According to the dictionary meaning, toilet humour means obscene humour or jokes related to bodily functions/biological excrement. Sometimes, the best of jokes are originated by persons who sit in the toilet for a long period. It may seem like leisure but it may actually be due the compulsion of constipation. The quality of the joke doesn’t have anything to do with whether you are using a western-style toilet seat or an Indian one.
             You may wonder if there is any difference between toilet humour and washroom humour. More and more Indians are using American English more than British English. My sister, who is doctor, says some patients explain their symptoms like this, “Doctor saab, ajj subeh se mujeh paanch baar washroom aaya.” We earlier used to hear, “Mujhe bathroom aya hai, ya mujhe toilet aya hai.”
            Some people say, “I want to go to the loo.” If some old village woman overhears this, she will say, “Hai, hai mere putt nu loo lag gayi.” Loo in Punjabi means hot summer wind.
                                                                      Do you know what they call French toilets in Bihar — La Loo.

19 Apr '14

Official (mis)rule

Official (mis)rule               According to a new rule, IAS, IPS and officers from other all-India services will be shown the door if they fail to clear a review test after 15 years of service. That means more and more officers, who are declared inept, will join politics. If an inept IPS officer is sacked, he can immediately declare that he is a victim and his expulsion was politically motivated.
               Some people may argue why the review test should be after 15 years and why should we tolerate inefficient officers for so long. I think, the pace at which our officers work can be judged only after 15 years to find out whether they were working or just sleeping over the files. After every five years, one set of favourite bureaucrats is given plum posts while others are sidelined. “Assi taan panj saal khudde line laggey rahey kum ki karna si” (We remained sidelined for five years, how could we do any work?). They give this justification for not working. That means unless they work with three different political masters, their performance cannot be judged.
              I asked a politician what he thought about reviewing a bureaucrat after 15 years. “Don’t you think they should be reviewed every five years?” I asked. He said, “Why after five years? They should be reviewed after two years, and if they don’t bend rules in the interests of our party, they should be sacked in public interest,” he said clearly.

12 Apr '14

Thought for food

thought for food

              THE Shiv Sena is considering organizing a one-day vada pav sammelan in Mumbai. It’s a great move not only to promote the food value of the stuff, but also to establish a deeper bond with the Marathi Manoos whose staple diet is vada pav. Those who cannot live without vada pav may think of casting their votes to Shiv Sena out of their love for the food. When this news reaches Lalu Prasad he may announce a samosa festival in Bihar. Keema samosa, alloo samosa, paneer samosa, and of course Lalu samosa would be the highlights of the jamboree.
Navjot Sidhu won’t sit idle in Amritsar. “Let’s organise a Makki di roti and saagfestival,” he would announce with one of his couplets from his stock of Sidhu-brand poetry.
Sarson ka saag aur makki ki roti hogi, BJP ki sarkar aur Congress ki chutti hogi.
In Chennai, Karunanidhi and Jayalalithaa would sue each other as to whose party has got the right to hold idli-sambhar festival to show their love for their state.
Some political party workers approached me and asked how would I go about impressing the voters if they gave me the party ticket from Patiala. “I will organise a great Patiala peg party with the slogan ‘pio aur jio’. They looked at each other and disappeared.

12 Apr '14

Sole stories

        A guy went to a shoe store and asked for a size 10 pair. “But sir, your feet don’t seem big enough for size 10. This size will be very loose for your feet,” said the salesman. “I don’t want to wear the shoes. I just want to throw them at my boss to register my protest”.

Sole Stories                Sometimes jooton ke bhoot baton se nahin mante. That’s what seems to have happened with Jagdish Tytler. First, a journalist threw a shoe at President Bush; then, Jarnail Singh, another journalist, hurled his shoe at Home Minister P. Chidambaram to show his resentment. A couple of days later at an election rally, a retired teacher hurled a shoe at MP Navin Jindal.

                 Whatever may be the impact, both at the victim and the attacker, these incidents are definitely going to give a boost to the shoe industry.
Some special makes of shoes will hit the market suitable for throwing at your b`EAte noire. The aerodynamically designed shoes will cover greater distance in the air to reach the leader at the stage, which may be at a distance.
                  In a bid to give competition to Action shoes, a new company might come into existence by the name of Reaction shoes. They could advertise their product, “Show your resentment through Reaction Shoes- solid sole, smooth flight and cheaper to dispense with”.
When a leader will go home after a hard day’s campaigning, his wife may ask, “How was your rally today?” “Excellent,” he would reply, “All the shoes thrown at me were branded”.

12 Apr '14

Fall for love

fall of love

       CHANDER MOHAN, son of former Chief Minister and veteran leader Bhajan Lal, left his homeand also disappeared from the political scene. When he appeared after 50 days, he was accompanied by his brand new wife. ‘Nikal jao ghar se aur dobara apna moonh mat dikhana.’ (Get out of my house and don’t show your face again), shouted Bhajan Lal like in a saas-bahu serial. Bhajan Lal disowned him from the family and the government ‘dethroned’ him from the post of Deputy Chief Minister.

      Let me analyse who gained and who lost in this politico-love-story. The Haryana Government lost a symbol of love that could have been made the Minister of Love Affairs. Since there’s no scope for such a ministry in near future, the state government didn’t lose much.
There was addition to the rank of Muslims but the Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid, Punjab, reacted sharply and said that Chander Mohan has used Islam only for remarrying.
His first wife lost an unfaithful man and his second wife got a man who could dare to sacrifice the post of Deputy CM for her. From his own point of view he is a hero because today when political leaders can stoop to any level to grab power, a leader has sacrificed his kursi for love.
A man applied for divorce. The judge said, “What’s your age?” He said, “25 years”. The Judge looked at his certificate and said, “It says you are 43.” He said, “Judge sahib, don’t count my years after my marriage.Woh bhi koi zindagi thi?”